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Two guys walk into the same networking event: One strides through the door, makes eye contact, and somehow makes the room feel smaller just by being there.
The other? He finds the nearest chair, shrinks into it, and spends the night checking his phone like it holds the secrets of the universe.
One possible difference is the story they are telling themselves before they show up. Experience, social skills, anxiety, and the setting can matter too.
Most of us have been the second guy at some point. Despite doing everything “right” by conventional standards, many men walk around feeling lost and anxious, scrolling through self-help content and wondering why confidence seems so natural for everyone else.
The truth? Most of us are walking around with a broken internal compass, letting past failures and future fears dictate how much space we’re allowed to take up in the present moment.
The stories we tell ourselves can shape our behavior
A belief can feel convincing without being accurate. Even so, it shapes what you expect and what you notice.
When you walk into a room thinking “I don’t belong here,” you tend to speak less and avoid eye contact. That makes it harder to connect, even though it proves nothing about whether you belonged in the first place.
Think about the last time you felt out of place (maybe it was a work meeting, a social gathering, or even a first date): Did you notice how your thoughts shaped your behavior? The shoulders that pulled inward? The way you avoided eye contact?
Repeat a self-critical story often enough and it becomes your default way of reading events. The way out is to question it by looking at what actually happened, rather than treating a harsh thought as evidence.
A more balanced view of yourself can make it easier to join in. It won’t change things overnight, though: confidence takes practice, support, and experience.
Why presence isn’t about being perfect
Most people think owning a room means being the loudest, smartest, or most charismatic person there.
That’s exhausting and, frankly, impossible to maintain.
Real presence comes from accepting yourself exactly as you are, flaws and all. It’s about walking in knowing you have nothing to prove because you’ve already proven everything to the only person who matters: yourself.
Anxiety and repetitive worries can make social situations feel harder. If you spend a gathering worrying about what might go wrong or replaying past mistakes, it can be difficult to join in. That is one possible obstacle, rather than a complete explanation of why someone struggles with confidence.
What tends to change things? Practicing vulnerability. When people start sharing the messy, imperfect parts of their journey and are met with “me too” instead of judgment, something clicks: The same authenticity that builds connection in one setting can work in any room.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how Buddhist principles teach us that trying to be perfect is actually a form of ego.
The more you chase an idealized version of yourself, the further you get from genuine confidence.
Building confidence from the inside out
So, how do you actually change those internal stories? How do you go from shrinking to owning your space?
Start with your body: Stand up straight right now, pull your shoulders back, and take a deep breath that fills your entire chest.
Notice whether that feels more comfortable. Relaxing your posture and taking an easy breath can be a small way to settle yourself, but you do not have to feel instantly different or force yourself into a pose to belong.
However, posture is just the beginning. Real confidence requires you to do the deeper work of examining and rewriting your core beliefs about yourself.
Try this: Write down the story you tell yourself when you’re feeling small—maybe it’s “I’m not smart enough,” or “People don’t find me interesting…”—and ask yourself, “Is this actually true, or is it just a story you’ve been repeating for so long it feels like truth?”
Most of these beliefs were formed when you were young, based on limited experiences and immature understanding, yet we carry them into adulthood like they’re carved in stone.
The power of silent confidence
Have you ever noticed that the most confident people rarely announce their confidence? They don’t need to because it radiates from them in their stillness, their ability to listen without needing to prove anything, and their comfort with silence.
This kind of quiet confidence comes from what Buddhists call “right view,” or seeing things as they actually are and not through the lens of insecurity or ego.
When you are less focused on winning approval, you may find it easier to listen and take part in a conversation. Other people still have their own preferences, and their response is not something you can control.
Seeking approval can sometimes make an ordinary interaction feel like a test. A brief mindful pause may help you notice that pressure and bring your attention back to the conversation. Meditation is one option to explore, rather than a guaranteed route to self-acceptance or other people’s approval.
The practical aim is to participate more comfortably, even when not everyone responds as you hoped.
What relationships can show you
Your relationships can help you notice what feels supportive, what feels uncomfortable, and where you would like clearer boundaries.
They do not provide a direct measure of your self-worth. Another person’s disrespect is their responsibility, and being mistreated does not mean you attracted it, deserved it, or secretly wanted it.
This applies to friends, partners, bosses, and family members. A friend might repeatedly cancel, a boss might ignore your boundaries, or a relative might constantly criticize you. Money, work, caregiving, and other circumstances can also limit how easily you can change a situation.
Where it is practical, you can name what you need, ask for a change, and decide what contact works for you. Support from trusted people may help when you cannot resolve things on your own.
Good relationships can enrich your life, and treating yourself kindly can help you express your needs. Neither is a promise that every other relationship will fall into place.
Final words
The guy who owns the room and the one who shrinks into his chair might have identical resumes, bank accounts, and life experiences.
The conversation in their heads may be part of the difference, alongside experience, anxiety, and the circumstances they are in.
You do not have to earn your worth through achievements. Building confidence can take practice, time, and support, rather than a single decision to think differently.
The next time you walk into a room, pause before you enter and take a breath. Remind yourself that you have as much right to be there as anyone else, and stand tall, not to impress anyone, but because you’ve decided to stop shrinking.
Your presence is something you already have, and you just need to stop talking yourself out of it.