At 21, one of my best friends was a girl. We used to hang out all the time.
She had a boyfriend. A guy she had dated for years.
I had a major crush on her but always kept it a secret. She was my best friend. I never wanted to ruin our friendship.
But one day, out of the blue, she just broke up with her boyfriend. She said he didn’t respect her, and never really showed her that he loved her.
It took me by surprise…
She was single for a couple of weeks when I realized that this was my chance to go after what I wanted…
So one day, I mustered up my courage and asked her out.
I gave her a big speech I’d planned for years while my stomach was doing backflips.
5-minutes later, she stopped me in my tracks and said, “I’d love to go out with you, but I’ve just got out of a relationship. So, I’m not ready for a new guy yet.”
My soul left my body for a brief 10 seconds.
But even worse, we stopped hanging out over the next few weeks. Over time, our friendship became non-existent.
I learned a lot that day.
I was probably friend-zoned, and I asked her out when she wasn’t ready.
Well, to help you avoid the same fate, I’ve jotted down all of the essential things I should have done before asking her out.
I’ve also pored over other experiences I’ve had in picking up girls. I’ve even dug deep into some books for extra research and came up with points I hadn’t considered before.
And I’m going to share them with you in this post.
Here’s what you need to do to ask out a girl who has just gotten out of a relationship.
1) Allow Her to Grieve and Move On
As you probably guessed, this was my first mistake. I didn’t give her enough time to mourn the end of her relationship.
The key point is this:
You’ll probably be rejected if you approach her during this time.
Sucks, I know…
But the truth is, it’s always challenging to move on, especially if the girl has invested so much of herself in the relationship.
So my first piece of advice is to be understanding.
Don’t pressure her; let her take the time to grieve and process her emotions.
It can be tough to mourn over the loss of their relationship so just be there to support her until she has accepted the end of that phase in her life.
If you’re there to support her during a difficult time like this, then there is more chance she will be attracted to you when she’s finally ready to move on.
2) Wait for Her to Open Up to You
Again, I can’t stress this enough:
If you know her well, you must wait for her to open up to you.
Not every newly single person can freely jump back into the dating pool.
While a girl will appreciate it if you’re straightforward with your feelings and intentions, she may have some reservations about her emotions.
In my case, she wasn’t ready to date anyone. In the weeks preceding my big speech, she hadn’t opened up to me at all.
As she’s still healing from the emotional damage from her past relationship, it’s natural that it’ll take longer for her to trust you completely and open up to you.
So take it from me:
As a result of her guarding her heart, she may be initially dismissive of your efforts, gifts, and invitations to go out.
But don’t lose hope; she’ll eventually warm up to your gestures and presence and welcome you into her life.
What’s important is that you don’t overwhelm her with your actions and affection. Take things slowly.
And most important of all:
Keep your interactions positive and fun.
As Corey Wayne says in “How to Be a 3% Man“, “laughter and humor are the best way to bring down her barriers and get her to open up to you.”
So make sure to keep it light-hearted. Be patient. Don’t force her to talk about serious topics; if you do, try to keep those conversations positive.
3) Help Her Process What She Learned From The Past Relationship
I wish I had done this. Helping her process her emotions is your ticket into your heart.
But again, tread carefully.
Talking about an ex with someone new is never easy. She’ll probably try to avoid it.
But sometimes, discussing the past relationship is necessary if she wants to move on fully.
When starting a conversation about her ex, you don’t want to ask about the intricate details of their relationship.
Instead, you can positively discuss the lessons she learned from that time.
Questions like “Where did you think things went wrong?” or “What would you change from your past relationship?” may help the both of you discover what you want the new relationship to be like.
It’s also a chance for you to determine how you can show that you’re different from her ex.
4) Set Healthy Boundaries and Manage Expectations
Girls who have just gotten out of a relationship may not be immediately looking to start a new one.
If you’ve managed to schedule a date with her, discussing your expectations is important.
Be honest and clear with what you want and ask her what she wants.
Keep it chilled. You might scare her off if you’re extremely serious about starting a relationship.
Once you’ve determined the boundaries, respect them and avoid going over the line.
It’s normal for the girl to have some trust issues after getting out of a relationship, and having certain limits can help them process and get used to their budding connection with you.
If she’s just looking for a friend, avoid pressuring her with your feelings and be the companion she needs until she’s ready for a new relationship.
5) Give Her Time to Share About Herself
One of the worst things you can do is try to rush her into opening up; believe me.
I once tried to force a girl to tell me about her ex, and she almost threw her drink in my face at the restaurant.
Here’s what I learned that night: she’ll open up when she wants to.
Patience is the key when you want to be with someone who just got out of a relationship.
You must give the girl the time she needs until she’s comfortable enough to share the different aspects of her life with you.
There will be numerous layers to her individuality which she won’t show immediately in the first few months of courtship.
There’s a saying that all good things take time, which also applies when you’re getting to know someone who’s still healing from a breakup.
Although you can certainly ask questions, the lady will appreciate it if you let her choose which sides of her personality and interests she’ll share with you as you pursue her.
You must keep things positive with her. Have fun and help her enjoy life!
Corey Wayne says it best:
“A woman has a higher level of attraction to a man she can have fun with and that can make her feel comfortable. If you are being too serious with her from the start, worrying about dating, relationships and labels, then you may be engaging your emotions too fast for her. It is a signal for her to back away and test you.”
6) Wait To Meet Her Close Friends and Family
Introducing a partner to family members and friends signifies a serious relationship.
However, you may have to hold off on meeting her parents, siblings, and close friends when you want to date someone who just got out of a relationship.
One reason is that it may feel awkward for you and her family and acquaintances to meet, especially if they shared a close bond with the ex.
Give her time to explain what happened with her previous relationship with her loved ones.
Let them embrace the idea of having a new person in the circle.
Once you and her family are ready, you can have the meeting comfortably and successfully.
Usually, most girls wait months until they take their new relationship to the next level and formally introduce you to their family.
7) Be There For Her in Her Ups and Downs
Feelings don’t disappear instantly, and there will be times in the courtship when the wounds from her previous relationship would open up, and she’ll be caught up in her emotions.
This usually happens as part of the relationship’s moving-on process, so just let her sit with what she’s feeling and be present to comfort her.
When she feels she misses her ex, don’t be disheartened because it doesn’t mean she’ll go back to them.
Instead, you should stay by her side, listen to her worries, and let her know that you’re there for her.
You can also do the activities she loves to help take her mind off her failed relationship and enjoy the moment with you.
One thing important skill that often goes unnoticed is your ability to listen.
When I was 21, I was terrible at listening to women. I thought I had to impress them by telling stories or talking myself up. But it doesn’t work like that, particularly with a heartbroken girl.
Make sure you listen to her. She’ll appreciate it, and you’ll build a stronger connection together.
“The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. ” – Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen
8) Don’t Rush Into Any Sexual Activity
When a relationship ends, there are specific needs for intimacy that a person misses.
However, it’s not a sign that you should immediately start having sex with a girl who just broke up with her ex.
If you jump too quickly at the opportunity to be intimate with her, it may not be as fulfilling, and chances are high that she may just be using you as a rebound.
Of course, you don’t want to be a rebound as you may also end up hurting your feelings.
Postponing your plans for any sexual activity will give you time to assess if the girl is interested in a genuine relationship with you.
Once you’ve begun dating her, you must set clear boundaries regarding any intimate activities and ensure you’re on the same page before having sex.
9) Create New Memories Together
While a girl cherishes her precious memories with her ex-lover, they still carry some pain and aren’t always pleasing to remember.
Although there’s no way you can change or get rid of the past, you can give her new memories to keep her from thinking about her ex all the time.
Bring her to places she’s never been before or try out new activities to help erase the lingering memories of her past love and provide her with new experiences.
Show her that she could have more fun and enjoy every moment with you than she had with her ex to help her move on faster.
Whether it’s going to the park or planning a simple date night, you’ll be able to win her heart entirely by making her happy.
10) Give Her the Support She Needs to Get Her Self-Confidence Back
Lastly, if there’s one thing that girls don’t make obvious once they’ve broken up with their partner, it’s that they’re also feeling self-conscious.
She might need an ego boost.
It’s not only her heart that has been ripped to pieces, but also her self-esteem has taken a big hit the minute she split up with her ex.
Regardless of who initiated the breakup, she’ll constantly think about everything that happened and wonder if it was her fault that they separated.
Women are more over-thinkers than men; during their most vulnerable time, they’ll want someone who can raise them up and make them feel good about themselves.
When she’s getting lost in her negative thoughts, be there for her to pull her out and help her be kinder to herself.
Show her that she’s worthy of love to help bring back her self-worth.