By 
No relationship is effortless. But some day-to-day habits make things a lot harder than they need to be.
The good news is that behaviours aren’t fixed. Most of the patterns below are things people can notice, talk about and change, especially when they feel safe enough to be honest.
These aren’t traits of one gender or type of person. Anyone can fall into them, including you and me. So as you read, it’s worth thinking about your partner and about yourself. Healthy relationships usually come down to two people who are both willing to look in the mirror.
1) Frequent negative gossip
Most of us enjoy chatting about the people in our lives, and sharing news about friends or colleagues is completely normal.
It becomes worth paying attention to when conversations regularly turn to criticising people behind their backs, or when there’s real enjoyment in someone else’s misfortune. That kind of habit can create a tense atmosphere, and it can leave you quietly wondering what gets said about you.
You don’t need to lecture anyone. You can simply steer the conversation elsewhere, or say: “I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about her like this.” It’s also worth noticing whether you join in more than you’d like to.
2) Rarely showing appreciation
Small gestures keep a relationship warm: a cooked meal, a quiet night in, a thoughtful message during a busy day.
When those efforts consistently go unnoticed, it can slowly wear down goodwill. The person making the effort may start to feel taken for granted, and eventually stop trying.
Sometimes a lack of appreciation is about stress or different ways of showing love rather than indifference. It helps to say what you need: “It means a lot to me when you notice the little things.” And make sure you’re offering appreciation too. Gratitude tends to be contagious.
3) Being rude to service staff
How someone treats a waiter, a cashier or a delivery driver can tell you a lot about how they handle frustration and power.
Everyone has off days, and a short-tempered moment in a long queue isn’t a character verdict. But a consistent pattern of rudeness toward people who serve them can be uncomfortable to witness, and it sometimes shows up later in how disagreements at home are handled.
If it bothers you, raise it privately and calmly: “I felt awkward at dinner when the waiter got snapped at. Is everything okay?” It’s a chance to understand what’s behind it rather than to score a point.
4) Often taking the victim role
Life is genuinely hard sometimes, and people deserve support when things go wrong.
It becomes harder when almost every problem is someone else’s fault, and responsibility is rarely taken for anything. That can leave a partner feeling like they’re always either the rescuer or the one being blamed.
Try to offer empathy first, then gently invite reflection: “That sounds really frustrating. What do you think you’d do differently next time?” Notice too whether you slip into this pattern yourself when you’re stressed. Most of us do at times.
5) A strong focus on money and possessions
Wanting nice things, and caring about financial security, is perfectly reasonable. Money is one of the most practical parts of sharing a life.
It’s worth a conversation when material things seem to become the main measure of worth or love, or when your value in the relationship feels tied to what you earn or buy. That can leave both people feeling a bit empty.
Talk openly about values and expectations: what you each want your life to look like, how you want to spend and save, and what makes you feel cared for. You may find you’re closer than you thought, or you may learn something important about compatibility.
6) Not respecting boundaries
Healthy relationships need both closeness and individuality. People need time with friends, time alone and some privacy.
When boundaries are repeatedly ignored, like going through your phone, pushing back every time you want space, or dismissing things you’ve said no to, it can leave you feeling crowded and unheard.
State your boundary clearly and kindly: “I love spending time with you, and I also need one evening a week to myself.” Then hold it consistently. Make sure you’re respecting their boundaries just as carefully. If you ever feel controlled, cut off from others or unsafe, it’s reasonable to seek outside support from a friend, counsellor or support service.
7) Finding it very hard to apologise
Everyone makes mistakes. A sincere “I’m sorry, I got that wrong” is one of the most powerful repair tools a couple has.
When someone almost never apologises, or turns every conflict around so the other person ends up apologising, small hurts can pile up. It becomes hard to move on when nothing ever feels resolved.
For some people, apologising feels like losing, often because of how conflict worked in their family growing up. You can make it easier by lowering the stakes: “I’m not trying to win this. I just want us to be okay.” And model it yourself. A quick, genuine apology from you can make it safer for them to do the same.
8) Constant negativity
Everyone needs to vent, and a partner who can honestly share bad days is a good thing.
It becomes draining when pessimism and complaining are the default setting, and good news is quickly met with reasons it won’t last. Over time that mood can spread to both people.
Sometimes persistent negativity is a sign someone is struggling more than they’re letting on, so start with care: “You’ve seemed really down lately. How are you actually doing?” Encouraging support, such as talking to a doctor or counsellor, can be a kind thing to suggest. It’s also fine to protect your own energy with time for things that lift you up.
9) Low self-respect
Self-respect means valuing yourself, keeping your own standards and expecting to be treated decently.
When someone doesn’t feel good about themselves, it can show up as constant self-criticism, needing a lot of reassurance, or staying in situations that aren’t good for them. That can put a lot of weight on a relationship, because one partner ends up trying to fill a gap that can only really be filled from within.
You can be supportive without taking responsibility for someone’s self-worth: encourage their friendships, interests and goals, and celebrate their progress. And check in with yourself too. Relationships tend to work best when both people are looking after their own wellbeing.
Final thoughts: patterns, conversations and growth
Everyone shows some of these behaviours some of the time. A single bad moment isn’t a reason to write anyone off.
What matters is the pattern, and what happens when you gently bring it up. A partner who listens, reflects and makes an effort is showing real commitment, even if change takes time. The same goes for you when they raise something about your habits.
Pick calm moments to talk, focus on specific examples rather than labels, and describe how things affect you rather than what’s wrong with them. A couples counsellor can also help if conversations keep going in circles.
Relationships get easier when both people feel respected, appreciated and free to be themselves. That’s worth working toward together.