10 subtle signs she wants you to change (but won’t say it to your face)

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Most, if not all of us, look for a partner who loves us for who we truly are.

And when you’re at the honeymoon stage with someone special, it seems like nothing else matters, and that you’ve found your perfect match.

But time and maturity tell you everything changes, including the all-too-ideal bubble you might be in. It may only be a matter of time before the differences between you and your girlfriend cause problems.

Wanting change for your partner isn’t always bad — as long as it’s coming from a place of support and patience, it’s consensual, and it’s not imposing. But there’s no guarantee it’s always going to be easy.

Whether you have just started seeing each other or you’ve been together for a long time, your girlfriend may expect more from you and want you to evolve. They may express this in the best and worst ways.

Here are some signs she wants you to change:

1) She Nags at You About Everything

Your girlfriend may want you to change if she nags about everything you do, from your habit of forgetting to clean up after yourself to the important decisions in life like your finances or starting a family.

It may make you feel like you haven’t done anything right in your life, leaving a toll on your self-esteem.

Instead of listening and compromising with your girlfriend, both of you end up sticking to your guns, causing a bigger rift in your relationship.

These are some early signs of your differences clashing with each other and causing bumps in your relationship.

She may have tried to talk to you calmly about these differences but doesn’t see the change in you at all, making her believe you don’t value her words.

On the other hand, she may have failed to communicate her thoughts. Either way, both of you should healthily and maturely communicate with each other.

2) She’s Kind When You Do the Things She Tells You

Another sign that your partner wants you to change is when she’s kind to you when you do as she tells you.

She may act this way because she’s happy and relieved that you’ve resolved the problem – she feels loved because you value her sentiments.

But other girls may also do this to patronize you for doing what she wants, so you keep on following whatever she tells you to.

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic by narcissistic and abusive partners where they give excessive attention to make the recipient obligated and dependent on them, then devalue, belittle, and control you after.

This usually happens in an abusive relationship – if you feel like you’re in one, it’s necessary to recognize and address it by setting boundaries, seeking help from a therapist, and building a strong support system with loved ones.

3) She Questions Your Career

A girl who wants you to change may also question your career.

She may be subtle about it by asking questions on how you love doing it and if it’s a lucrative career after all – she may want to know more about your life choices and clarify doubts about it. But she may also be as blunt as devaluing your career and asking you to look for other jobs by speaking over you.

As much as your partner should be your most honest critic, they should also be your strongest supporter who believes in you.

That’s why I know how it hurts when the person who should know the important things for you, like your career, ends up dismissing them and doubting your capabilities.

I once dated a girl who asked me if I want to look for other “more stable” jobs as if mine wasn’t an actual career.

4) She Gives Negative Comments on Your Style

It’s one thing when you have a playful girlfriend who laughs at you for wearing the same shirt on all occasions, but it’s another when she calls you names for how you present yourself.

There’s also a huge difference between asking you to change your outfit to suit the occasion you’re going to and demanding you change your style, even to the point of losing your self-expression.

It’s normal for couples to give honest and constructive comments about each other’s outfit but leave it at that because they respect each other.

They won’t restrict you from wearing something or make you feel bad for expressing yourself. So if your partner gives negative and degrading comments about your style, that might mean they want you to change.

5) She Grows Uninterested in You

One of the struggles of staying in a relationship is keeping the flame burning, choosing to stay with each even when change attempts to break the both of you apart – or lack thereof.

It may seem different from the other signs we mentioned, but she may want you to change if she grows uninterested in you.

There are many reasons why she’s grown uninterested in you and wants you to change.

She may have become uninterested in you because she already grew out of you, and you weren’t able to catch up.

She may also have grown tired of you after communicating so many times about how she feels, ending up with her not caring about you anymore.

She doesn’t usually do this on purpose, much less aware that her treatment towards you is changing.

6) She Compares You to Others

Comparing you to others is another obvious sign that she wants you to change.

She may compare you as a joke to a fictional character in a romantic comedy film you’ve just watched or to a common friend who showers his girlfriend with affection.

However she may say it, one thing’s for sure – she wants you to do better.

She may be frustrated with you or doesn’t have the courage to be honest with you, so she resorts to comparing you to others. She’s looking at others for the qualities that you lack.

And I know how bad you might feel if you experience this – it takes a toll on your self-esteem and relationship.

I used to date a girl who always compared me to her best friend’s boyfriend. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but I would’ve appreciated it if she told me these things honestly instead of comparing me to other guys.

7) She Wants Some Space Away From You

A girl who wants you to change may want some space away from you. She may do this to let you know she’s upset with you.

She wants you to think about your actions or inactions or make you realize how they have resulted in this situation. Or sometimes, she simply wants to have some time alone to breathe and recalibrate.

Maybe you’ve been doing something that hurt her, and she’s grown tired of it. You may want to give her some time alone if you find yourself in this situation.

But you may not want to get used to this and avoid having a serious conversation. As much as possible, you shouldn’t resort to giving each other silent treatment whenever there’s a problem.

8) She Barely Listens to You

If you’ve been having problems in your relationship because she wants you to change, you may notice she barely listens or values your words.

She may do this because she’s annoyed with you, so she runs out of patience. It’s also possible that she’s grown tired of you, so nothing that comes out of your mouth actually has value for her.

She may not do this on purpose sometimes, nor is she aware of it – when you’ve outgrown a relationship, you tend to fail to connect with your partner.

Maybe she’s getting bored or too familiar with you. Her feelings and perception of you have changed. Whether she admits it or not, she wants you to change.

9) She Gives You an Ultimatum

A woman wants you to change if she actually gives you an ultimatum.

She may have laid down the demands or conditions you should think about, or else there will be a consequence, usually a breakup.

Giving ultimatums is a desperate attempt to make the relationship work.

A person who gives these conditions may have grown tired of telling their partner over and over again how they feel, only for the other person to break their trust again.

If your girlfriend gave you an ultimatum, she may want to know if you’re still worth it or if she needs to move on in her life, even if you’re not in it.

10) She Tells You Her Frustrations About You

You’d know she wants you to change if she actually tells you her frustrations about you.

And compared to the other points mentioned, this might only be one of the best ways to communicate your worries to your partner.

She may have told you what you did that hurt or frustrated her and the boundaries you should be mindful of.

And if she mustered up the courage to confide these things, you might want to value her words and compromise, as long as you don’t lose yourself in the process.

Your partner wanting you to change isn’t always a red flag as long as you still respect each other.

You should have a healthy conversation with your partner to communicate the things you want them to change while being more patient and appreciative of each other.

Consider your relationship as a team made up of two different people – your differences may drag you down and cause conflict, but this should also be an opportunity to evolve and keep the flame burning.

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