By 
I spent years trying to sculpt myself into someone worthy of respect. Reading all the right books, following productivity gurus, networking at events I secretly hated, constantly asking myself “What would a respectable person do here?”
The exhausting part wasn’t the effort. It was the constant self-monitoring, the endless gap between who I was and who I thought I should be.
Then something shifted. Not overnight, not dramatically. But once I stopped trying to become that person and just started acting like one, everything quietly changed.
The exhausting performance of becoming
You know that feeling when you’re constantly watching yourself from the outside? Like there’s a judge in your head scoring every interaction, every decision, every thought?
That was me for most of my twenties. Despite doing everything “right” by conventional standards, I felt lost and anxious. The gap between my education and actual fulfillment was massive. I even took a warehouse job shifting TVs in Melbourne, which turned out to be oddly liberating. There’s something humbling about physical work that strips away all the pretense.
But even that experience didn’t immediately fix things. I was still stuck in this loop of trying to transform myself into someone else. Someone more confident. Someone more successful. Someone worth respecting.
The problem with constantly trying to become something is that you’re never actually being anything. You’re always in transit, never arrived. And people can sense that. They can feel when you’re performing versus when you’re just present.
The Buddhist lesson that changed everything
Through studying Buddhism while writing Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I discovered something that hit me like a brick wall: suffering often comes from attachment to expectations.
I was so attached to the expectation of who I should become that I was missing who I already was.
Think about it. When you’re constantly trying to become someone, you’re essentially telling yourself that who you are right now isn’t enough. That’s a heavy weight to carry around every single day.
Buddhism teaches that the present moment is all we truly have. Not the future version of ourselves we’re trying to build. Not the past mistakes we’re trying to overcome. Just this moment, right now.
What if instead of trying to become someone worth respecting, we just acted with respect in this moment? What if instead of trying to become confident, we just made the confident choice right now?
Acting versus becoming
Here’s what I discovered: when you act like someone worth respecting, you don’t need to worry about becoming them. You already are them, at least in that moment.
This isn’t fake it till you make it. That’s still performing. This is about making choices aligned with your values, right now, without the mental gymnastics of transformation.
When someone needs help, the person worth respecting doesn’t think “What would a helpful person do?” They just help.
When faced with a difficult truth, they don’t wonder “How would an honest person handle this?” They just speak honestly.
The difference is subtle but profound. One approach keeps you stuck in your head, analyzing and second-guessing. The other gets you moving, acting, being.
The quiet shift
Once I stopped the mental performance and started simply acting from my values, things began to change. Not in some dramatic, movie-montage way. It was quieter than that.
Conversations became easier because I wasn’t constantly editing myself. Decisions became clearer because I wasn’t trying to guess what the “right” person would choose. I was just choosing based on what felt aligned with my values.
The irony? People started respecting me more when I stopped trying so hard to be respectable. Turns out authenticity is more compelling than any performance could ever be.
I had to unlearn the belief that happiness comes from achievement. Years of conditioning told me that respect was something you earned through accomplishments, through becoming someone important. But happiness, real happiness, comes from presence. From being fully here, fully yourself, right now.
Why your brain resists this
Your brain might be fighting this idea right now. Mine certainly did.
We’ve been programmed to believe in the mythology of transformation. Every movie, every success story, every motivational post tells us about the journey of becoming. The ugly duckling becoming the swan. The nobody becoming somebody.
But what if you’re not an ugly duckling? What if you’re already exactly who you need to be, you just need to act like it?
This doesn’t mean you stop growing or learning. It means you stop waiting to be qualified to live your values. You stop postponing being the person you want to be until you’ve checked all the boxes.
If you’re in your twenties and feeling lost, know this: that confusion is normal. Feeling lost doesn’t mean you’re broken. It might just mean you’re trying too hard to become something instead of simply being something.
The practice of just acting
So how do you actually do this? How do you stop the exhausting performance of becoming and start just being?
Start small. Pick one value that matters to you. Maybe it’s kindness, honesty, creativity, or courage. Then, for just today, act from that value. Don’t try to become a kind person. Just make the kind choice in front of you. Don’t try to become brave. Just do the brave thing, even if your hands are shaking.
Notice how different this feels from self-improvement. You’re not adding anything to yourself. You’re not fixing anything. You’re just acting from what’s already there.
In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how this approach aligns with Eastern philosophy’s emphasis on being over becoming. The constant striving to become something better is often just ego in disguise.
When you’re acting from your values right now, there’s no ego involved. There’s no performance. There’s just you, making choices that align with who you actually are.
Final words
The moment I stopped trying to become someone worth respecting and started just acting like one, the exhaustion lifted. The constant self-monitoring quieted down. The gap between who I was and who I wanted to be disappeared because I realized there never was a gap. There was just fear.
You don’t need to become someone worth respecting. You just need to make respectable choices, one moment at a time. You don’t need to transform into someone confident. You just need to act with confidence right now, even if you don’t feel it yet.
The shift won’t be dramatic. It’ll be quiet. You might not even notice it at first. But one day you’ll realize you’re not performing anymore. You’re not trying to become anything. You’re just being, and acting, and that’s enough.
Actually, it’s more than enough. It’s everything.