By 
Growing up, we’re handed a blueprint for success.
Graduate college, climb the corporate ladder, buy the nice car, get the corner office; it’s a script that’s been passed down for generations, yet more men are discovering it leads to a peculiar kind of emptiness.
The ones who break free? They’re simply men who’ve figured out that chasing someone else’s definition of success is like wearing a suit that doesn’t fit: No matter how expensive it is, you’ll never feel quite right in it.
After spending years studying what makes some men genuinely fulfilled while others feel trapped despite “having it all,” psychologists have identified specific patterns.
Men who define success on their own terms share certain subtle habits that set them apart from those still running on society’s treadmill.
They’re small, consistent practices that gradually reshape how these men approach their lives and measure their worth:
1) They regularly question the “why” behind their goals
Most of us set goals on autopilot. We want the promotion because… well, that’s what you’re supposed to want, right?
We chase the six-figure salary because that’s what success looks like. Or so we’ve been told.
Men who define their own success have a different approach. They’ve developed the habit of constantly interrogating their ambitions.
When they catch themselves wanting something, they dig deeper: Why do I want this? Is it because I genuinely value it, or because I think I should?
I learned this lesson the hard way in my mid-twenties.
Despite having the degree and doing everything “right,” I found myself shifting TVs in a warehouse, feeling completely lost.
That gap between education and fulfillment forced me to question everything I thought I knew about success.
These men ask themselves uncomfortable questions: Would I still want this if nobody knew about it? Am I pursuing this because it aligns with my values, or because I’m trying to prove something?
This habit of questioning is about ensuring that the mountains they’re climbing are actually worth the climb for them and not for anyone else.
2) They invest in experiences over appearances
Walk into most men’s garages and you’ll find the usual suspects: The fancy car, the expensive toys, the status symbols.
However, men who’ve redefined success allocate their resources differently.
Instead of dropping thousands on a watch to impress colleagues, they might spend it on learning a new skill or traveling somewhere that challenges their perspective.
They understand that experiences compound in value over time, while material possessions often depreciate the moment you buy them.
This shift in investment strategy reflects a deeper understanding that Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, Ed.D., puts perfectly: “Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you.”
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how Eastern philosophy has long understood this principle; that true wealth comes from richness of experience.
These men still buy things, of course, but they buy them for utility and personal enjoyment.
They’ve learned that the approval you can purchase is never as valuable as the growth you can cultivate.
3) They maintain boundaries with work
Here’s something you won’t hear at most corporate pep talks: The men who feel most successful aren’t always the ones working the longest hours.
While others wear their 80-hour weeks like badges of honor, men who define their own success have mastered the art of strategic disengagement.
They leave work at work, turn off notifications after certain hours, and protect their personal time like it’s sacred because, to them, it is.
This is recognition that work is meant to fund your life. They’ve rejected the hustle culture narrative that equates burnout with dedication.
I discovered this firsthand when I made the bold decision to leave Australia and move to South East Asia.
The change was a complete restructuring of how I viewed work’s role in my life, and founding Hack Spirit in 2016 came from wanting to help others find that same balance.
These men still work hard and produce excellent results, but they’ve learned that sustainable success requires recovery periods and that saying no to overtime might mean saying yes to things that actually matter to them.
4) They cultivate interests outside their profession
Ask most men about themselves, and they’ll lead with their job title.
Yet, men who’ve redefined success have a different relationship with their professional identity: They’re the lawyer who’s also a amateur woodworker, the CEO who teaches martial arts on weekends, or the accountant who writes poetry.
They refuse to let their day job become their entire personality.
S. Irfan Ali, MD, captures this beautifully: “Success is being able to look at your work and your life and feel that they speak the same language.”
This habit serves multiple purposes. It provides mental variety that prevents professional burnout, and creates opportunities for different types of achievement and satisfaction.
Most importantly, it ensures that if their career takes a hit, their entire sense of self doesn’t crumble with it.
These diverse interests are genuine passions pursued for their own sake, reminders that there’s more to life than climbing ladders.
5) They measure progress internally, not comparatively
Social media has turned life into a highlight reel competition, where everyone’s constantly measuring themselves against carefully curated versions of others’ lives.
Men who define their own success have opted out of this game.
Instead of asking “Am I doing better than him?” they ask “Am I doing better than I was yesterday?”
They’ve shifted from external scorecards to internal metrics.
Psychology research shows that success is a subjective concept that varies based on individual values and goals, and it is essential to define it personally rather than conforming to societal standards.
This doesn’t mean they don’t have ambition or competitive drive. They just compete with their past selves rather than their neighbors and celebrate personal records.
When you stop measuring your worth by comparison, something interesting happens.
The anxiety of keeping up disappears, and the resentment toward others’ achievements fades.
You’re free to genuinely celebrate both your own wins and those of others, because you’re no longer playing the same game.
6) They prioritize relationships over transactions
In a world that treats networking like a sport and relationships like investments, men who define their own success take a radically different approach.
They don’t keep score of favors given and received, nor categorize people by their usefulness.
They invest in relationships for their inherent value, not their potential returns.
This might seem counterproductive in a culture that preaches “your network is your net worth,” but these men understand something deeper: Genuine connections provide a kind of wealth that no amount of strategic networking can match.
In Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how authentic relationships, built without agenda, and create a support system that transcends professional utility.
They still build professional networks, but they don’t let transactional thinking poison their personal relationships.
Friends aren’t future business partners and family time isn’t an obligation to check off; these relationships exist for their own beautiful sake.
Final words
The men who successfully define success on their own terms aren’t necessarily smarter, richer, or luckier than everyone else.
They’ve simply developed habits that align their daily actions with their personal values rather than societal expectations.
These subtle practices—questioning goals, investing in experiences, maintaining boundaries, cultivating diverse interests, measuring internal progress, and prioritizing genuine relationships—might seem small.
However, together, they create a fundamental shift in how these men experience their lives.
The beauty of these habits? They’re accessible to anyone willing to challenge the default settings they’ve been given.
You don’t need to quit your job, move across the world, or make dramatic declarations because you just need to start asking yourself what success actually means to you, then adjust your habits accordingly.
At the end of the day, the only definition of success that matters is the one that lets you sleep peacefully at night, knowing you’re living by your own standards.