By 
You know that feeling when you’re scrolling through your phone at 2 AM, telling yourself you should sleep, but you keep scrolling anyway? Or when you agree to something you don’t want to do, then spend the next week dreading it?
These are the small moments where we abandon ourselves.
I spent my mid-20s feeling lost and anxious despite doing everything “right” by conventional standards.
The warehouse work became a crucible for self-reflection, but something was off.
I kept thinking if I just worked harder, pushed more, developed better discipline, I’d finally become the person I wanted to be.
Turns out I had it backwards. The real transformation came from noticing all the tiny ways I was betraying myself throughout the day, such as the moments I said yes when I meant no, the times I pushed through exhaustion instead of resting, or the instances where I chose someone else’s approval over my own truth.
The myth of the disciplined man
We’ve been sold this idea that becoming your best self requires military-level discipline.
Wake up at 5 AM, cold showers, strict routines, and push through resistance, but here’s what nobody talks about: You can be incredibly disciplined and still feel empty inside.
You can check every box on your morning routine and still feel like you’re living someone else’s life.
Why? Because discipline without self-awareness is just sophisticated self-abandonment.
You’re so focused on following the rules that you never ask if they’re the right rules for you.
I discovered that my perfectionism was a prison, not a virtue.
Every time I pushed myself to meet impossible standards, I was essentially telling myself I wasn’t good enough as I was; every time I ignored my body’s signals for rest, I was choosing productivity over my own wellbeing.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, puts it perfectly: “Self-awareness is vital to self-improvement.”
Without knowing what you’re actually feeling and needing moment to moment, all the discipline in the world won’t lead you where you want to go.
What self-abandonment actually looks like
Self-abandonment is sneaky as it doesn’t announce itself and happens in micro-moments throughout your day.
It’s checking your work email during dinner with friends because you’re afraid of seeming unavailable, laughing at a joke that crosses your boundaries because you don’t want to seem uptight, and saying “I’m fine” when you’re drowning.
Think about yesterday: How many times did you override what you actually wanted? How many times did you choose the comfortable lie over the uncomfortable truth?
These moments add up. Each one is a small betrayal that erodes your sense of self.
Over time, you lose touch with what you actually want because you’ve spent so long prioritizing what you think you should want.
The crazy part? We often mistake this self-abandonment for maturity or selflessness.
We tell ourselves we’re being responsible, considerate, and professional, but there’s a difference between conscious compromise and unconscious self-betrayal.
The practice of noticing
So, how do you stop abandoning yourself? You start by noticing.
This is about observation.
When you feel that familiar tightness in your chest before agreeing to something, pause; when you catch yourself performing for others instead of being yourself, pause again.
I’ve learned that listening is more valuable than having the right answer, and the person you need to listen to most is yourself.
Start small by setting a timer for three random moments throughout your day.
When it goes off, ask yourself: “What do I actually need right now?”
The answers might surprise you because maybe you need five minutes of silence, to cancel that commitment, or to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how mindfulness is about this radical act of paying attention to your own experience without immediately trying to fix or change it.
Building a new relationship with yourself
Here’s something that might feel radical: Treat yourself like someone you’re getting to know, not someone you’re trying to fix.
What if instead of seeing your feelings as problems to solve, you saw them as information? What if instead of viewing your needs as weaknesses, you saw them as your internal compass?
A fascinating study from researchers examining mindfulness training found that it enhanced self-awareness and self-regulation, leading to improved mood and reduced stress among college students.
The key wasn’t forcing change but developing awareness of what was already there.
I now practice the art of single-tasking in a world that celebrates multitasking because it keeps me connected to what I’m actually doing and feeling in the moment.
Consistency beats intensity here. You need to show up every day with curiosity about your own experience.
Notice when you abandon yourself, notice without judgment, and then gently choose differently.
The unexpected freedom of boundaries
When you stop abandoning yourself, something interesting happens.
You start developing natural boundaries; the flexible, clear kind that honor both your needs and your relationships.
You find yourself saying things like: “I need to think about that before I commit,” or “That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what would,” or simply, “No, thank you.”
At first, this feels terrifying. You’re sure people will be angry, disappointed, will abandon you.
Some might, but here’s what I’ve discovered: The people who matter will respect you more for it.
More importantly, you’ll respect yourself.
The relationships that can’t survive your authenticity weren’t serving you anyway.
The ones that remain become deeper, more real, more nourishing.
Final words
Becoming the man you want to be is about paying attention to all the ways you’ve been abandoning yourself and choosing, moment by moment, to come back home.
This isn’t easy work. It requires courage to feel what you’ve been avoiding, to want what you actually want, to be who you actually are, but it’s the only work that matters.
Start today and with the next choice you make.
Ask yourself: “Am I choosing this because it’s true for me, or because I think I should?”
That small question might just change everything.